.blindness.

I had invented a way for people to take really specific artisanal baths. I used the old cassette tape drives from Commodore 64s and came up with a standardised system of bath-related metadata stored on cassette. Then, I made a protocol to attach some specialised hardware (which would control temperature, volume, and additives such as salts, oils or other nice things) to communicate between the cassette tape drive and the bathtub itself. I rigged up a prototype at my aunt's house and I had invited a bunch of investors to her place in order to show them how it worked, but when they got there I discovered my aunt had removed the tub part (the spigots and knobs were still on the wall, rather high up) and placed a sofa underneath. But it was too late to stop the demonstration so water was just pouring onto her sofa and getting it wet. I was pretending like everything was OK and trying to undress to get in the sofa/tub myself, but my t-shirt was really tight and also there were an infinite number of layers, so every time I wiggled out of the t-shirt, there was another one underneath.

I was simultaneously watching and starring in a documentary film (or a reconstructed biopic) about the development of the original 8-bit Nintendo Entertainment System. It was the early 80s, and I was working closely with a Japanese engineer, in a small office in America, to design the plastic casing and product logo. We both wore button down white shirts and ties. A representative from the main Nintendo HQ in Japan came to visit, and we were nervous. I tried to bow in the Japanese style but screwed it up and offended him.

Wilco was playing a free concert, with Spinal Tap opening up. Adam and I were there, sitting in the back, half-watching and having a mild debate about which band was 'bigger'. Spinal Tap played 'Big Bottom' and it was pretty heavy. The venue staff were throwing free Wilco t-shirts into the crowd and I grabbed two of them, a medium and large size; Adam and I briefly fought over the medium before realising that neither one of us actually liked Wilco. We debated the shirt's eBay potential but then threw them both into the crowd for the true fans.

I was in the theatre audience of a large awards show, on TV, and Michael Bolton was accepting a lifetime achievement award. While he was speaking, a bunch of his assistants were going through the audience and passing out dental floss to everyone and whispering for us to all floss in unison.

I was away from home, at the house of some very large Christian family. I was Christian too, I think. I was a huge fan of some obscure Division I college basketball team and March Madness was going to start. We were on the way home from a spaghetti dinner and I kept waiting for the opportunity to say "Did you ever notice how lots of March Madness takes place in April?" It was very important for me to impress these people. We got back to the house and I turned on the TV but some sitcom re-run from the 80s had to finish before the basketball started. One of the people who lived there was in the bathroom, being sick. The doorbell rang and no one else was around to answer, so I went and it was a weird old lady, skinny and short with scraggly white hair, who asked me if I was into rowing. I said no, and she asked if any rowing enthusiasts lived there. I said I thought the one guy did, but he was indisposed. But before I finished the sentence, she barged in and went to the toilet door and started talking to him through the door. I was just excited about the basketball, so I went back to my TV.

But then suddenly, I was sunbathing on a somewhat dangerous edge of a really high cliff. I was wearing pants, but incredibly baggy ones made out of a light purple cloth. A really gross woman in an already strong tan, maybe a spraytan, sat next to me and asked me if I needed sunblock. She gave me two kinds, chocolate and vanilla, and explained that in order to work you had to mix them together. I rolled up my pantlegs and started applying them. As the brown and cream-coloured sunblock was mixed, it started leaving behind weird purple residue, which she explained was ok cause it was actually shower gel. Then suddenly a boat pulled up, in the grass, on the cliff, right next to me. The woman transformed into wearing fancy dinner attire and started chatting up the boat captain. I got up and walked along the 'beach' a few metres and found an empty, closing bar/café. It was about to close and the chairs were already up on the tables.

I asked the person running it if they had a TV, and they let me come behind the counter. There was a flatscreen TV mounted above the soda dispensing machine. I didn't want to watch basketball now, but some sketch comedy show where all of the sketches were really short and didn't make sense.

The first sketch involved what looked like a giant menorah standing in front of a family at their kitchen table. But instead of candles, each bit was a large plastic nose, and it had arms below. It was screaming about not being able to find anything to eat, and it would shout out strange food combinations like "plastic butter and hamster ice cream"! and as it shouted out each one, it would pull one of the noses off with its own arms, where underneath would be a vertically mounted pizza. It did this two or three times while the family looked horrified and laughing at the same time, and then the scene ended mid-sentence.

The next sketch was a group of mimes doing mime things against a brick wall in a city. One of them suddenly spoke and said 'I need your help!" and they all started shouting and running. There was a white line painted on the ground and they all ran down it, about 2 metres to where there was a plastic lawn chair, where the line suddenly turned around and went back to where they started. They all circumnavigated the chair and started making their way back to where they started.

I was in Turku going to some weird street fair/music festival. I saw my Aunt Ellen there, and she had a large shaggy brown dog that spoke English. The dog was Swedish but spoke with a great American accents. We hit it off pretty well and my Aunt offered to give me the dog. She (the dog) seemed to want to live with me instead of my Aunt so I took her home but told her I wouldn't be able to give her my full attention. She was fine with that, though when she leaned on me, her paws had long claws that dug into my arm.

My friend Juuso and I were in the East German town of Frankfort-Oder, trying to hitchhike to the far side of Poland. We saw a Chinese truck stopped, and the driver, a Chinese man dressed like a garbage man, was smoking. I approached him and asked if we could hitch and he said yes. We got in the truck - Juuso in the front seat and me in the back, and made small talk. He told me his name but it was something Chinese so I forgot it. Suddenly I realised we were driving through Pittsburgh so I started shouting out landmarks and other things - and I got excited by it. I insisted that we stop for the night and stay with my parents - the other two guys weren't so into it, but I talked them into it by promising lots of free food. We actually stopped at my aunt Janice's house, where some family gathering was going on. The three of us sat in her living room and everyone said Hi, though no one seemed particularly surprised or excited to see me (which irritated me). In fact, everyone was running around and shouting at each other and ignoring us. I made smalltalk with the Chinese truck driver and again asked him his name. He said it was Philniekro. I said "like the baseball player?" and he said "I guess so" since they don't really follow baseball in China. I started to tell him about how I always drove past Phil Niekro's hometown on I-70 in Ohio and there was a billboard about it, but then I stopped telling him because I realised he didn't care. Juuso asked me if all the Fails were this crazy but I explained that this was my mom's side of the family, so I was the only Fail present.

I was pissed off to find out that my elected Congressman (Mike Doyle) lived in the C-street house that's been in the news lately, so I decided to challenge him in the primary next year. I started making my campaign materials and I was phoning the media to announce my candidacy. I bought some white posterboard at RiteAid and I was starting to draw signs in magic marker. Then I realised that I was also living in the C-street house and didn't realise it.

I was playing a character in a movie and simultaneously watching the movie. I planted plastic explosives in a restaurant and blew it up (at night, when no one was there). Then, the next day, I went over to the police investigation because I was a part-time detective or an informant or something. Then, I went to my other part-time job, which was at a call center located above the restaurant. I had planned the blast perfectly so right under my desk was a big hole to the restaurant below. While answering call-center calls, I could reach down into the hole and grab huge handfuls of cash money. I did this all day while working.

I read about a way you can bake peanut butter cookies under the hood of a parked car, so I decided to try it. I was at my parents' house and I went across the street to the neighbors car, flipped open the hood, and laid the cookies (on a baking tray) underneath and then closed the hood. I went back to my parents' porch to wait and while I was waiting, my younger brother started screaming at me because he couldn't log into some website I coded because he used some weird plugin to log into websites and it wasn't compatible with mine. I told him to fuck off and stop using the plugin and he just kept screaming at me. Then my Mom came to the door and asked me if I had used her recipe for peanut butter cookies, but I was still arguing with my brother and she started yelling too and then everyone was screaming. She said that if it was her recipe, you would have to roll the cookie batter in salt before baking. I yelled that it wasn't her recipe and went over to see the cookies. They were done but glowing blue, and I was afraid to eat them. I brought them back over and after awhile they cooled down, and they were fine, except I didnt put enough sugar in the mixture so they weren't really sweet at all. I wanted to make more but I was worried that the neighbor might notice I was using his car without permission. My father said "That asshole won't notice anything, he's too busy praying". I looked again, and realised that the neighbor had converted the bottom half of their house into a church. Then I remembered that I had bought the house next door (across the street) and I went to go check it out, but I couldn't see it. Then I realised it was only the size of a cinderblock and I had shrink myself down to go inside. I accidentally kicked it over so I had to pick up my house and put it back on this little pedestal.